Badpie Bakery

This Produced a Chuckle

This dude is called Bro Franklin.  All you need to know is that he is SUPER EXCITED about giving his offering to his church.   SUPER EXCITED!  Thanks, Dlisted.

All the Single Ladies...

Ladies, are you single?  Are you a goddess? Do you realize that sacred sexual union is crucial for manifesting the Global Vision?  Are you by no means a Scientologist?  Then prepare to meet the MAN OF YOUR DREAMS!

This dashing young fellow is Mark.  And he is searching for his goddess.  Could that be you?  Do you see far beyond the "normal" level of thinking?  Do you enjoy Tantric sex with a Tantra master who does not ejaculate "except on rare occasions"?  Then sign up at this website!

Mark has listed in very extreme detail all of the qualifications for the goddess he wouuld like to spend the rest of his life with.  He could be perfect for YOU.  After all.  He has a "Global Vision."

Here are just a few of the most interesting tidbits you will find on his website:

If she has been a prostitute, that is GOOD!! We can discuss it at length. I have written a book (not yet published) entitled, Resurrecting the Innocence in Prostitutes. Fascinating topic! And it's an important part of my Global Vision.

I am intensely chivalrous, and, if you date me, you are required to respond to my chivalry as a LADY. You are the GIRL. ...It means that when I offer you flowers and gifts, you accept them graciously.... you should have empty vases in your home.

I am on the brink of a large-scale financial success that many people believe will escalate me, over the next decade, from member of the middle class—to billionaire.

When she gets angry or hurt or sad or upset, it does not last too long.... or, if it is lasting, she turns inward and works on herself until she finds peace again.

She understands that the elite tyrants have reached an advanced state in the systematic imposition of their so-called "authority" onto the population of the entire world, and that the goal of the tyrants is nothing short of enslaving the masses by means of (1) the "authority" of government officials who are puppets of the tyrants (since the Civil War, most U.S. Presidents and Vice Presidents, and most members of Congress, have been puppets—both major political parties in the U.S. are controlled by the tyrants), and (2) marketplace and media domination by corporate giants that are controlled by the tyrants.

The lady I seek somehow KNOWS deep down inside that if she surrenders herself to the right man and is worshipped by him as a Goddess in just the right way, she can move mountains.... she can move the whole world! She WANTS to make this sexual magic happen and to bless the world with the resulting miracles.

Television. I don't watch television except for about 1-2 hours per year when circumstances require it. I stopped watching TV in 1970 and am unfamiliar with most post-1970 programming. I dislike the energy of most of what gets broadcast, and it is far worse now than it was in the 1960s (back when I watched a lot of TV). Television news broadcasts are largely propaganda. I have saved YEARS of time by avoiding TV. However, when we launch our own TV show (which will have very different energy), I will watch every episode.

You simply must visit the site to really get a grasp on the catch of a man that is Mark.  So if you're happy with the possiblity of being skinned on your first date or at least leered at oddly, give this guy an email.  There's a whole application process and a wickedly awesome "prayer" at the bottom of his page.  Do yourself a favor and go to this site.

Thanks be to Kate, who is the goddess of MY life for showing this fabulous piece of insanity to me today.

I Love You, Paint

This temp gig I'm working is hella boring, so in order to kill some time, I've been making "art" on the Paint program.  You're already seen my stroke of genius in the piece with the S.S. Chiggle.  Now, here is a moon pigeon.  Don't ask.  It's based on some horrible one-act I just saw in NYC.  Tee hee.

Yeah. This Pretty Much Sums it Up.

All Aboard

For a long time now my dear Sarah and I have fantasized about writing shitty novels like the Twilight books or the True Blood series or some sort of Nicholas Sparks catastrophe.  Maybe a chick lit book, you know one of those books that usually  has a martini glass and a high heeled shoe on the cover?  Ideally these mediocre books that took us a week at the beach to writewill be consumed by tweens, lonely  hearts and middle aged mothers everywhere, putting us at the top of the bestsellers' lists.  From there, these books will be optioned for movies and we will drunkenly sign them over because hey, we don't give a shit.  We didn't think they were good anyway so do whatever you want to them.  Cast Tara Reid for all we care.  Just pay us. 

I like to envision what our lives will be like, then, sitting on a boat, laughing at the poor taste of America, drinking festive drinks and chiggling (that's "chick giggling") maniacally at our money and power and great taste in designer footwear.

I think it will look something like this:

 

And yes.  I did this on Paint.  At work.

My Life is Complete

Seeing this picture has made my life.

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Friday Fail - Now With More Bad Parenting Skills

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Mullet with Headliiiiights...

Awhile ago I posted the literal translation of Take on Me and I have no idea if it was the same people that made this one for Total Eclipse of the Heart, but I love the hell out of it.  Laughed my ass off.

And Now a Baby Throwing Up

You're WELCOME.

A Fucked To Death Pile of Burning Caca

I know some of you know about Brad Neely.  But if you don't, you NEED to visit this site .  And watch awesomely hilarious, shite in my pants burst my non-existent nutsack videos.  Good stuff.  Oh yes.  Here are two of my favorites, but the rest are ridiculous too.  If you don't love them, I don't want to be your friend anymore because clearly we don't have the same sense of humor.

WOW

Dlisted had this woman as their "Hot Slut of the Day" today and now I know why.  This is Felix Crane, the winner of the Miss Pole Dancing 2009 or whatever shit or something (yes, that exists).  I have a real respect for "dancers" who can actually dance and make an art form out of what they do.  This woman is more like a gymnast.  Seriously the laws of physics don't apply here.  I have never seen anything like this.  The closest I've come to a real pole dancer was at some club in Manhattan and I think she was yawning and had a cesaerian scar.  But THIS is impressive.  Enjoy.

My Favorite Picture Today

Ah.  Yes.  I remember this.

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No Word Other Than Awesome

I'm Considerate

Just so you, the reader don't have to get thrust into looking directly at a picture of the words "cunt puncher" I'm posting this random picture of my husband pretending to be a catepillar as a buffer.  Hey, don't say I never did anything sensitive for you.

Tat Fail

On Geekologie there was a link for a site called LOLTATZ and it's pretty great.  Just a bunch of messed up tattoos mostly gotten by idiots who are too dumb to realize that they've just made themselves laughing stocks.  When I think about my tattoo, my nice, simple tattoo that will always remain relevant to me I breathe a sigh of relief. 

I can't think of anything dumber (okay I can) than getting a stupid tattoo you will regret later.  Now I love tats.  But these are amazingly dumb.  I think the one at the top is my favorite....actually that might be a tattoo win right there.