Elizabeth Kostova: THE HISTORIAN A Novel by Elizabeth Kostova
FINALLY finished this. Feels like an accomplishment. Very good, but very complex and layered. It's "chewy." (****)
Terry Pratchett: Men At Arms
I challenge you to not enjoy the bloody hell out of this book. (*****)
Christopher Moore: Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
His best book. A nice, funny, heartwarming, epic tale. (****)
Christopher Moore: A Dirty Job: A Novel
Just damn funny. (***)
Starhawk: The Earth Path: Grounding Your Spirit in the Rhythms of Nature
Beautifully written common sense. (****)
Daniel Pinchbeck: 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl
You will evolve ever so slightly after reading this. (*****)
Ly de Angeles: Pagan Visions for a Sustainable Future
Mostly very insightful. Great for anyone who loves Nature. (****)
Richard Matheson: I Am Legend
Don't even bother with the film. This is awesome. (*****)
Phil Spector!
Name: Phil
Race: Demon-kin
About: The frail, yet terrifying presence of this creature serves as an ill omen, usually fortelling the death of some villager.
Last seen: Going to prison on a 2nd degree murder charge for not only bringing the ominous suggestion of death, but for actually going through with it like an idiot.
Note: This is an aye-aye, often thought of as an omen of death. The resemblence is uncanny.
Cindy McCain!
Name: Cindy
Race: Borg
About: An ice queen with a penchant for designer suits. She has inherited her iron fisted rule of the entire Borg race from her rich relatives. Cross her and you will be assimilated.
Last seen: At the salon figuring out a way to make her hair and face tighter.
Monique!
Name: Monique
About: She's brassy and sassy and jolly. Naturally good natured, she is a dwarf you you want to hang out with, get hugs from and have cook you things (she even has a cookbook). But don't piss her off. She may not usually carry her axe or blunderbuss, but she knows how to use it. And use it she will.
Last seen: Whipping a bunch of loser females into respectable ladies on VH1's Charm School.
Rednecks!
Name: The Mountain People?
Race: Trogg
About: Troggs are a filthy race of fur covered, Keystone Light drinking creatures. The smaller, dumber cousins of Trolls, Troggs are incestuous, cannibalistic and enjoy a good "hangin'." They also really really like Nascar and monster trucks.
Last seen: Out of the corner of your eye, somewhere in the mountains...but you can smell them....boy can you smell 'em.
Tori Amos!
Name: Tori
About: Her metaphysical wailing and melodious otherworldy song lures immasculated men, faeries and girls who cut themselves to her magical bosoms. She is 45 years old today!
Last seen: Floating around all goddess-like just being awesome.
Amy Winehouse!
Name: Amy
About: GADS! Her hunger for human flesh is insatiable! Run! Run while you can!
Last seen: Smoking crack.
Billy Bob Thornton!!
Name: Billy Bob
Race: Undead
About: Sunken eyes, rotting flesh and breath that looks like it smells like cigarettes and halitosis. You'll find him lurking....just lurking. *shudder*
Star Jones!
Name: Star
Race: Succubus
About: Succubi are demon beings that eat a man's soul, either by actually eating it, or by sitting on their chest and taking a poo...or by looking like this.
After watching the following video, there is really no way to describe my disappointment with humanity. Also, I have decided that Guidos, even if you THINK they're a goblin, or an orc or some kind of slut-fairy, you are wrong. Guidos are Guidos. In fact the closest thing I could find to them in the fantasy world was something like a Wendigo.
They live in caves, drink Smirnoff Ices and dance to late 90's Eurotrance. Note the primate-like posture, the facial expression that could either be a smile or a sneer and the excessive body hair. Ladies and gentlemen, these are the Guidos of the fantasy realm.
And just for reference, here is a video from Dlisted. That place is great for a laugh.
The entire cast of Braveheart!
Name: ...all these...Scottish guys
About: Kilts, ale, a brogue, beards, some serious tempers and the exceptional ability to weild an axe in battle, there's no way these guys can be anything but Dwarves. About the only thing missing is....well nothing actually.
Last seen: At the taverns across Dun Morogh picking fights with themselves, breaking things and eating various things that have been cooking in a pot all day.
Hayden Panettiere!!
Name: Hayden
About: At on Five feet tall, Hayden is really good at climbing into small spaces. She's also oddly adept at engineering and tends to giggle a lot. True, she is one of the cuter gnomes, but a teensy little wee person nonetheless.
Last seen: crawling out of the hood of a car after fixing the engine in West Hollywood.
John Goodman!
Name: John
Race: Dwarf
About: Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, John Goodman is a tall man. That means nothing. The man is clearly a dwarf. Big booming laugh, looks like he never met a mug of beer he didn't like, genuinely pretty jolly. His stout frame will fool you as he actually quite nimble and good with an axe. Plus, who doesn't love beards?
Last seen: Lounging in a Tavern singing drinking songs after a hard days work of mining for gold in the mountains.
Daniel Craig!
Name: Daniel
Race: Troll
About: Most people only think of trolls as big hairy hulking beasts that sit under bridges and eat goats and stuff. While this is true, they are also handy carpenters and will be your best friend if you bring them toast. They're not quite as dumb as rocks (even though some are actually MADE of rock), but they are simple minded. Our friend Daniel here is a refined troll, but a troll nonetheless. Granted, the best damn looking troll I've ever seen, but you put a little de-evolution in him and you get something bigger, grosser and hulkier I'm telling you.
Last seen: Coming out of the water over and over again. No joke. This is what he does.
Kirsten Dunst!
Name: Kirsten
Race: Goblin
About: Aside from the snaggled toofs, Kirsten here is actually a pretty attractive little Gob. Her gangly arms and legs allow her to climb rocks effortlessly in attempts to find treasure. While I've heard she keeps the sniveling to a minimum, I've also heard she uses daggers.
Last seen: Scuttling around New York looking for something she called "the Precious."
