Badpie Bakery

OMGOMGOMGOMG NOOOOOOOOO!

Holy Christ! This has gone too far!  Zombies are allowed to DATE NOW?!  Oh no.  It's worse than I thought.  Not only do I have to start hoarding water and canned food, but NOW?  Now I have to worry about fighting zombie chicks for the last cute outfit or running into them at bars.  They're DATING!!!

And they're using THIS WEBSITE to do it!  What is the world coming to?!  Thanks to Brooklyn for pointing this out.  Terrifying.

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)

This Makes It Official

Sarah and I were talking today and we got to talking about death and various other cheery subjects.  Come to think of it I don't know how we actually got on the subject.  Ah yes.  She mentioned that her tombstone would most likely read "Here Lies Sarah:  Loved by Freaks and Jerks."

So I have decided to just put my final wishes out there and tell you all why I want it this way.

Firstly, I must be cremated.  Barbecue me up!  I'm one of those earthy people who think my body and being is made up of all the elements or whatever so the idea of my earthly body rising in smoke to the heavens in a ball of fire and then being scattered in the middle of the ocean really appeals to me.  Not to mention there are other perks to being cremated.  You never get ugly.  You're totally NOT sitting in some coffin with a bad makeup job just waiting to rot into some ugly, gelatinous blob.  Oh.  You also won't EXPLODE.  Yeah.  You read that right.  Something about the rotting gasses in your body being sealed into an airtight container that makes you...explode, thus destroying the thousand dollar coffin you had yourself buried in.  So yeah.  I'm all for cremation.  ALSO, when you are ashes, you will not become a zombie later.  This is extremely important to me.  I hate zombies.  They're icky and kind of rude and try to eat you.  So if I woke up one day and found out I was one, I think it's safe to say that would bring up a whole new set of self loathing issues I would need to deal with.  Plus I'm vegetarian.  So...

Okay so here are the basic things:

1. Burn me
2. Hand my ashes to my husband
3. When he also dies, mix those cremains together in a big jar (insert porn music here - that's kinky)
4. Dump us in the Atlantic for flounder to choke on
5. Go out drinking to talk about awesome I was.

If this could be a legal document, I would sign it.  Totes.  What do you all want to happen when you die?  Let's get all goth on this blog.

Oh. That's Better.

Oh. I feel much better today.  It could have something to do with the fact that I actually got some sleep and took a shower this morning.  Anyway, my apologies for the ranting madness of yesterday's blog.

Onto today, a day which so far (knock on wood) is turning out okay.  For some reason the inspiration fairy (that's her at left) came to me yesterday and I started getting swarmed with stupid little ideas for writing sketches.  Stupid yes, but present!  Which is more than I can say for them previously.  I guess my muse was on vacation or something.  So I'm starting to write again after a long dry spell, which is SUCH A RELIEF.  I thought I'd had all the decent ideas I was ever going have in my life.

Also, I should be happy because I've been doing a lot of creative stuff lately with a lot of creative people, which is always nice.  I've met a few new cool folks in the past few weeks and immediately friended them on facebook (because if you're friends on facebook, you're friends FOREVERRRR).

Tonight I'm filming an episode of Kyle Piccolo with some friends and that will be a late night and tomorrow I will be fried, but it's worth it to do fun things where I get to pretend I'm an actress.

I'm also doing a show for my good friend Rob Paravonian, who is an uber successful stand up comic and is very funny.  I'm feeling generous today so I'm plugging friends' websites.

Back to work! 

I'm Cranky

  I'm cranky today.  In fact, this whole post is basically gonna be one big whiney rant, so feel free to stop reading.  I fucking hate to hear people complain so I'm giving you an out....Still here?  Fine.  I warned you.

So I just got this new job and in general I probably dislike it about as much as anyone would dislike any job.  You know, the kind of job where you're like "oh well it's not great but it's not bad so I'll just do it"?  Yeah that's this job.  I have no feelings about it one way or another.  I come here.  They pay me.  End of story.

Today is just one of those cranky days where I care nothing for doing any of the tasks laid out in front of me.  I don't care.  And it's making me angry that I have to work.  I hate it.  Today, the idiocy that is the people that run this office is grating on my nerves more than usual.  When I'm copying things repeatedly into a bound ledger that could easily be transferred to some sort of electronic document if it weren't for the stupidity and DOINKness of those in charge - I become enraged.  Everytime the buzzer rings I get a twitch in my face and  I'm angry that I have to let people in even though it's just what I do.  It's not their fault the door is locked.  I'm pissy about absolutely nothing today.  And absolutely everything.

I'm pissed off that I'm here today.  I am angry that I have to DO anything FOR anyone.  GO AWAY!  Leave me be!

WHINE WHINE WHINE!

HAAAAATE.

And now back to your regularly scheduled blah.

Excited Yelp!

CUTE.  I advise you to turn the sound up all the way and listen especially to the bunnies in cubicles one.

Get a Job, Kid!..Oh..you have one.

The Japanese are at it again.  Coming up with totally and completely insane, yet usable and adorable items purely for entertaining me.  Finally a use for babies!

Baby Mop from Chris Milk on Vimeo.

The Doink

  I haven't really blogged in a few days and that's because I've been at a new day job, learning the ropes, catching up and generally kicking ass and taking names.

The job is simple really.  I answer phones, I take messages, I hand people invoices, I schedule things, I keep things tidy, I work with Quickbooks, I give suckers to cute little kids.  That sort of thing.  It's not rocket science.  And even though the last person who did this job got behind on everything and I've had to play major catch up, it's still an easy job.

Until The Doink blusters in in a dust storm of stupid.

Yes folks, the Doink.  You know him.  You've worked with him.  He's the guy that somehow manages to make menial, simple tasks ridiculously complicated.  He's the dude who just can't seem to communicate with people in a way that is not awkward and kind of creepy.  He's the guy who is probably not stupid, but just has no clue.  He is THE DOINK.

The Doink likes to make oddball conversation while you're in the middle of a million things.  The Doink likes to try to explain simple concepts in a confusing and complicated way.  The Doink generally likes to be a major kink in your work day, usually making your job juuuust a little bit more difficult.  The Doink asks a lot of questions that you have already answered once or twice before.  And the Doink also likes things "just so" even if it means it is probably double the work for you and you could simplify it and save time for both of you.  Sometimes The Doink is sweaty and has hours old coffee breath.  And sometimes he hovers over you while you work and asks you questions about things that you had no intention of even bringing to his attention in the first place.  Occasionally The Doink will ask personal questions without realize it's none of his business, making the exchange even more awkward than usual.  The Doink will call in the middle of the only busy 10 minutes you have to ask you a series of questions that are not urgent and that he could have emailed to you.  The Doink takes ten minutes to tell a five second story.

Every office has one.  It comes standard in the office collection along with The Scatterbrain, The Pooper, The Stressball, and The Loud Eater, etc.  I invite you all to share you Doink stories with me today.  Especially Sarah, who coined the term in the first place.

I hope you all have a Doink-free weekend.

Over It!

Old Man Winter, you have overstayed your welcome!!!  I'm serious.  Get the fuck off my couch, stop eating my fucking chips and get your ass out of my life!  I hate you and I hate your wind!  And I hate your attitude!  And I hate that you're here!  It was all fun and good when it was all Christmassy and you came around and were like "hey what's up?"  and I was all like "Oh hey, man, good to see you."  But you you're a douchehole.  Totes.  And I hate you.  Go away go away go away!

Sigh.....anyway.  This will cheer me up.  Here are some BABY MEERKATS!!!! 

More Music!

Oh man.  I'm totes in love with Imeem.com now.  Three songs today I'm obsessed with.

First up is Common - Universal Mind Control.  It's remixed from Afrika Bambaataa's "Planet Rock."  I can't explain why I love it.  Just do.  That should suffice.

Second is Ramalama (Bang Bang) by Roisin Murphy.  It's weird and awesome.  Enjoy.

Lastly is ANOTHER BRITNEY SPEARS SONG.  I know what you're all thinking, that I'm drunk, and just by playing the odds you're probably right.  But whoever is writing her songs lately is good.  And the song Blur is just....so sad.  Pretty straightforward but sad.

Enjoy!

Universal Mind Control - Common

Ramalama (Bang Bang) - Roisin Murphy

Blur - Britney Spears

Shh...It's Okay...Everything Will Be All Right

I'd like to apologize for my last post of pants shitting horror.  I realize any of you who saw it are scarred for life.  Let me make it up to you.  Here is a kitten sleeping in a bundle of yarn.  ...I am so sorry.

AHH! OH MY GOD!! OH GOD WHAT IS IT?! OH GOD!

 

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!  Jeeesus FUCKING CHRIST!  I don't....I don't understand!  Who are you?!  Where did you come from?!  WHY GOD WHHHHYYYYYY?!

Wow.  Okay.  So.  The bat shit crazy welfare lady who gave birth to octuplets a couple weeks ago?  Or some kind of demon soul harvester?  I can't decide.  Either way I know two things.  1)I'm not sleeping tonight or ever again oh god have mercy fuck Jesus oh lord.  and 2)  ..... I don't even have a number two.  FUCK GOD HOLY FUCK GOD MAMMY AND MOTHER JUGGS AND SPEED!

Myooozik

Here are the songs I've been obsessed with the past couple of days.  Because you care.  Don't you judge me for the Britney Spears one.  It's great.

Unusual You - Britney Spears

Weapon Of Choice - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Metal Heart [Dude Version] - Garbage

Where Did the Hot Go?

Seriously.  Where?  I can't find it anywhere and it's pissing me off.

You know, for awhile there, I was HOT.  I'm comfortable in the fact that I was and I can say it.  I had a killer little bod, sexy flowing locks of dark hair and I totally exuded a flirty little attitude.

But now?  Gone.  Just gone.  Where did it go?  I'll tell you where.  I got older, stopped working out and cut all my hair off.  Great job, idiot!  No really, good going!  Way to ruin anything you may have had going for you!  There was a time where I could get certain things I wanted because I was cute.  And there was a time, where I could correctly assume that most of the men in the room had at least checked me out.  Now?  No way.  Forget it.  Who is that frump in the corner?

I'm being too hard on myself probably, but seriously, I need this back.  I will eat a kitten (okay not really) to get my hot back.   So I am vowing to you lovely people (person) today that I will get it back!  If I have to suck the life force out of children to be youthful, sexy and gorgeous again I will!  Mark my words.

Must....Create....SOMETHING!

Sigh.  I'm dying to create something.  I need to write.  I need to write to survive right now.  I think it's because of the new job.  When you work full time (or you have the idea that you will be working full time) and then you hang out with creative people, there's an overwhelming urge to overcompensate.  I've done the starving artist thing.  Not my bag.  But if I'm honest with myself non of the other work I do is either.

There is a part of me that will always be susceptible to getting sucked back into the "artist lifestyle."  You know, doing moderately good theater with a bunch of moderately talented people who you have inappropriate mental and emotional intimacies with but it's okay because you're "theater people."  Part of me misses the wild child.  But the wild child doesn't eat, has panic attacks and drinks too much sooo...

I've had a case of writers block for quite some time now and it's starting to really irk me.  Aside from 2-3 minute comedic sketches, some crappy blog posts and the occasional Warcraft erotic fan fiction (don't you judge me...it's an exercise!), I am dry.  The idea of even writing a 20 minute one act right now seems like an unattainable goal, let alone a full length play or something.

I'm onstage doing a fun sketch comedy show now and will be doing a friend's one act soon for a theater festival, so that's nice.  Spurn will probably be doing something in the next few months and I've been considering auditioning for some other friends' shows.  You know, because I don't have the time anymore, what with the full time job.

You know, I think I figured it out.  I'm nuts.  That's it.  That's all.  Just nuts.  Now if only I could get my twisted brain out on paper!

Praise the Gods and Thank You Universe!

  I got a new job!   Kaloo Kalay!  All I can say is it's about frakkin' * time!  I was starting to despair and was becoming a hermit.  I had started hibernating, getting up at noon or ...2pm....3ish, and doing nothing but playing World of Warcraft.  Granted, I made a lot of gold and leveled a bunch of times, but there's only so much of the world of Azeroth I can take before even I go mad.  Yup, depression was setting in, folks.  I will spare you the gruesome details of my battle with my recent bouts of "WHY GOD WHY?!"  and move on to tell you about my new gig.

Starting next Monday I'll be working in Park Slope at a speech therapy and literacy center.  And here is why this job rules:

 

• I can walk to this job.  WALK.  It's in my neighborhood so I don't have to pay to take the train, AND I get exercise AND I pass all kinds of cools stores I've always wanted to go to but never did because I was never in that neighborhood.
• I can wear jeans and comfy shoes.  This is a huge win.  I have often looked for jobs based entirely on this criteria alone.
• The staff is great and super nice.  The boss lady is like a combination of Catherine Keener, Mary McDonnell, and....and a HUG.
• It's a business that does something good, namely teaching little kids to speak properly and read well.
• Little kids who talk funny.  WHAT IS CUTER THAN THAT?!  I mean come on.

I'm a little sad that I'll have to leave my current regular temping job because I like that company and the people, but it had to be done.  We need the regular cash flow.

So huzzah, hooray, yippee, woot and yes!

Seacrest out!....?

*Yes, I said "frakkin'" as in the curse word from Battlestar Galactica.