Build Holiday Memories Worth Repressing

My sketch comedy group spurn is putting on a holiday show this month.  So Matt decided to send out an email to everyone promoting it.  This was how he did it.  My GOD I love this man. 

Well, HAY dere u guyz!!!! 

It's time again for another impersonal mass-mailing urging you to come out to see spurn, the irreverent and offensive sketch comedy that has been one of the longest in NYC history!

This time we have a lovely steaming nugget of Holiday Cheer for you!!!!!!!

SPURN ALL HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA!

Since this is a mass mailing, I thought I'd sit down with some of the questions you might have in order to save myself the trouble of answering the same Questions

You:  So, when and where is the show? And how much are tickets?

M@: December 11th, 12th, 13th  at the The Peoples Improv Theater (PIT) 154 W. 29th St . , 2nd Floor @ 7th Avenue.  Buy tix buy calling 800.838.3006 because we'll sell-out fast! $12 a ticket. You should come!

You: Don't you think that's a little expensive?

M@: For Sarcastic Holiday Reverie and a bunch of fake blood?  Not at all!!!

You: Is this all-new material? 

M@: Yes!  All new holiday themed bits, with everything from Soft-core Santa to prison stabbings. Haha!

You: Are prison stabbings funny?

M@: HECK yeah!  Nothing brings a chuckle like a jail-yard shanking!

You: Do you think someone who was stabbed would think it was funny?

M@: Probably not.

You: I see.  Do you make a habit of joking about other people's pain?

M@: ...anyway, this show is jam-packed with the zingers and hooters that have made us a NYC favorite!

You: I noticed you failed to answer my question, do you frequently deflect meaningful communication when it hits too close to home?

M@: No! I... look, this is getting a little tense.  How about I just leave you with the number to order tickets and be on my way.  Go to BrownPaperTickets.com or call 800-

You: I noticed you failed to come my last [SHOW/EVENT/PARTY] back on [DATE] and yet here you are asking me to pay money to support your habit.  Do you think you are more important than me? 

M@: Um, no, I've just been overextended and... well I kind of have a mild social phobia about parties and things...

You: Would that make you a liar or a colossal pu$$y?

M@: JESUS... OK, look, you don't have to come if you don't want to, I just thought I'd make it available.

You: Isn't it true that people who perform on stage are just pathetic attention whores who need to be the center of attention in order to fill some deep, never-ending hole left by stunted emotional growth as a child and crippling self esteem issues?

M@:  ...

You: Doesn't that make you, and your wife, whores?

M@: OVER THE LINE, DUDE. That's it, I'm leaving...  You know, you could have just said, "No, Matt, I don't have time or money to see you, I'll catch the next show."  You don't have to be an a$$hole about it.

You: Did you just call me an a$$hole?

M@: What, you didn't hear me, f*ckstick?  Lemme get real close this time.  YOU ARE AN A$$H-

You: I notice you are holding you're nose. Do you the punch I just threw broke it?

M@: OHMAHGOD! <snort> Wha tha hell wrong wit you, dude? OW, gahdammit... Are you PSYCHOTIC? I just wanted you to come see spurn on December 11th, 12th and 13-

You: What do you think hurts more; a broken nose or a blown kneecap?

M@: Wha<snort> what? What do you-OW! OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!! OHMYGOD!! AAARRRGHHHH!!! THAT HURTS SO BAD! EUGH!!!!!!!

You: I noticed you stopped yelling now that I'm standing on your neck.  Are you unable to breath?

M@: Uck... Glick...

You: Do you think maybe you should keep up your interpersonal relationships a little better and not just email people when you want something from them?

M@: Uck.. <GASP> <PANT> ye- <PANT> YES!  I- I'm sorry. <CHOKE> I get too  busy and withdraw into my own little world, especially with everything that happened to me in the past year, what with my-ARGH!        GET OFF MY HAND!

You: Do you think I want to hear excuses?

M@: NO! NO! SORRY!  YOU DON"T HAVE TO COME!

You: Of course I'll come!  I love you guys!  I can't wait to come by the P.I.T. next Thu-Sat, December 11th, 12th and 13th.  And I can reserve my tickets by going to BrownPaperTickets.com or calling 800-?

M@:  8... <cough> 800. 838.3006

You: Thanks! See you after the show, since I know you always meet the audience in the lobby and then go out for drinks around the corner.  See you then!

M@: <crying>