Badpie Bakery

Because Dry Heaves Are Funny

Okay so I actually don't really like the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, but my husband turned it on the other day and this scene came on.  We ended up laughing so hard tears streamed down our face and watching the girl's performance over and over and over.  Yes, it's puke humor, essentially, but my GOD this knocked me on my ass.

Um. Is This That Little Creature From the Movie Madagascar?

No!  It's a kitteh!  But it sure as hell looks like that thing.  Bonus video of another kitty with saucer "WHASSAT?!" eyes.

 

I'm Adopting!...A Turkey.

 

Yup.  You heard me.  Farm Sanctuary is sponsoring an Adopt a Turkey Project and I'm gonna do it.

 The project seeks to end the misery of commercially-raised turkeys by offering a compassionate alternative for Thanksgiving. Since 1986, Farm Sanctuary has recued more than 1,000 turkeys, educated millions of people about their plight and provided resources for a cruelty-free holiday. Anyone can sponsor turkeys residing at our sanctuaries in California and New York, and some even choose to adopt turkeys into their homes through our annual Turkey Express adoption event.

It's $25 per turkey which helps pay for the care and feeding of him or her and of course I won't actually be bringing the bugger home, but to me, it's just a symbol of how I feel about eating meat.  This will be my first Thanksgiving as a non-turkey eater.

They're also sponsoring a brunch in NYC at an organic vegan cafe that I'll be attending because 15% of your bill goes to Farm Sanctuary.

So while all of you are enjoying your consumption of dead bird this Thanksgiving (hehe) I'll be thinking about my turkey, gobbling, pecking and pooping all over the farm upstate....yum? 

UPDATE!:  I adopted this fella here.  This is Echo and I picked him because he looks like a surly old bastard. HAHAA!

Today's Intergalactic Borg Queen Is...

Cindy McCain!

 

Name:  Cindy

Race:  Borg

About:  An ice queen with a penchant for designer suits.  She has inherited her iron fisted rule of the entire Borg race from her rich relatives.  Cross her and you will be assimilated.

Last seen:  At the salon figuring out a way to make her hair and face tighter.

Is Azeroth Red or Blue?

Awesome.

Manjuice Receptacles Try to Get Some Class

Okay okay okay.  I hate reality television.  I really do.  But every once in a blue moon there is just something too much of a train wreck to pass up.  One of those things is Charm School.  Last year it was hosted by Mo'Nique and she turned the skeezy crack head hoochies from Flavor of Love into elegant ladies somewhat less trashy ho bags.

Well this season stars the itchy, STD ridden, fake breasted, vapid air heads of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.  And I must admit, that show was entertaining.  So I was pretty excited to hear that there was a new season of Charm School, this time hosted by none other than Sharon Osbourne, who is seeking to turn these drunken cum dumpsters into respectable ladies  chicks less likely to ingest a stranger's semen.

The show is chock full of sluts.  But here are a couple of my faves:

  Brandi M. (there's also a Brandi C, but she's a twat).  Brandi belches, farts, strips and laughs.  She's honestly probably the most fun of the bunch.  She seems to be somewhat intelligent, plus I like her tattoos.  I would take shots with her at the bar, then belch and laugh.

  

 

Heather.  Heather, Heather, Heather.  My oh my.  On Rock of Love she was runner up not once, but twice I think.  She even got Bret Michael's name tattooed on the back of her neck.  What I love about this chick is that she's super trashy, but wears it like a badge of honor.  This bitch does not care what you think of her.  She's a proud slutty ho-bag.  Plus she seems to be the smartest in the house....okay it's not saying much but compared to a couple of these girls, she's fucking Stephen Hawking with fake breasts.

  

                                                                                                                                                    

Now for the hos I HATE:

  Lacey.  GAG ME!  She's awful.  She's smart and she's a certified sociopath.  She literally has no soul.  None at all.  Her very existence on this earth is a pox.  She is manipulative, conniving and let's face it - TOTALLY FUG. That being said, I guess she makes for "good tv" or something because people seem to love her shenanigans.  Everyone except Sharon Osbourne that is - who has basically already ripped her a new one (I don't imagine there's much that gets by Sharon).  Lacey, you're ugly and your hair is stupid.

 

 

 

 

Meagan.  Ugh.  Take Paris Hilton, a sack of bricks, an itchy STD, some hair from your shower drain, and a bottle of peroxide and you've got this whore.  She's SO DUMB, which really wouldn't be that bad if she wasn't also MEAN as shit.  You know, if you wanna be mean, at least be smart - I'm just sayin'.  About the only redeeming quality this tramp has is her mentally retarded little chihuahua (seen left) that just sits around with a dumb look on it's face and it's tongue hanging out while she dresses it in stupid clothes.  Seriously, somebody call the ASPCA on this bitch and save that poopie!

So there you have it.  My guilty pleasure for the next few weeks. Here's a video that pretty much sums everything up.  DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

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I Challenge You to Find Something Cuter

  Last night I had my training at the ASPCA for kitten bottle and syringe feeding.  It.  Was.  Awesome.

Seriously there is nothing cuter in this world than sitting with a five week old kitten on your lap, watching them sloppily chew soft food from the end of a little syringe.  There is little on this earth more helpless than these little guys.  The picture on the left is not the actual kittens I fed, but pretty much look exactly like them in age and color.

My little kitty was Clara, who was kind enough to be really easy and eat every bit I shoved in her mouth.  I have to say that other than bottle feeding (for the newborn kittens - a litter was born yesterday so I can't wait to get my hands on them) the other feedigns are really just supplemental for the kitties.  They get fed regular food, but the syringe stuff is just to make sure their little guts are packed full so they can maintain their weight and health.  There are like 50 kittens at the ASPCA right now.  50!  Sheesh!  Anyone want a kitten?!  Or 23?!

Anyway, thought I'd share because it really was a cool experience, sitting there in a little hospital gown and gloves (some of the kittens aren't old enough yet for their vaccinations so we have to be careful what we bring to them) focusing entirely on the wellbeing of this tiny creature, that doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, but is your entire world for those ten minutes or so.  Is cool.

Oodles of Poodles!

  I have just returned tonight from an exhausting day at the ASPCA where 33 poodles taken from an Elderly couple in Queens now reside.  The folks were old and the breeding of their pets had simply gotten out of control, so they won't face criminal charges of animal neglect or mistreatment of any kind.  In fact, I think they may even be getting a couple of their beloved pooches back.

Anyway, the ASPCA put out its press release that had everyone and their mother at the adoptions department today hankering for a pood.

When I got there at 3pm, there were still people that had been waiting since 11am to adopt the poods.

   Tons of people flooded in and it was all anyone could do to keep them all organized.  I failed miserably at that task, simply going where people told me to go and taking folks on tours so we could talk about the poodies and other doggies in our ranks (I am so not cut out for this adoption counselor thing).

So the really great news is that something like 15 poodles were adopted and went home today, which is amazing.  And all the rest, barring the three that are on "bite hold" (uh...one or two little incidents) and the five or so that are really old and sick, all the rest have been put on hold by some lovely people who can pick them up after they've been thoroughly evaluated by the behavior and veterinary staff.

It was a super successful day and by the time I left at 7, folks were still calling about them, wanting to know what was available.

The thing is, most people came in expecting these gorgeous, purebred poodles and I gotta tell ya...it was not that at all.  Most of them were fearful, had no teeth, were old, had broken jaws (not from abuse, just from inbreeding) and eye problems.  And of course this is why we SHOULDN'T MAKE DOGS PEOPLE!  Anyway I digress.

I hope that today I earned a few Karma points in helping some of the ugliest, sickliest dogs on the planet find loving homes.  Oh man I'm such a sucker for sick and old animals.  I totally wanted to take this one little guy (and I mean tiny) named Richie who was like 11 years old, had no teefs and was the ugliest damned thing I'd ever seen.  I wanted him so bad!  On another note, there are TONS of gorgeous purebred dogs at the shelter right now - beagles, yorkies, chihuahuas, terrier pups.  Yeah they go fast but it just goes to show you - CHECK YOUR SHELTER!  Okay I'm totally tired and rambling.

Anyway hooray for the ASPCA and their neverending efforts to help put cast away animals into good homes.

I Ate His Liver With Some Motor Oil and a Nice Turbine Engine

  Any of you who know me or have read this blog know that I live in a constant state of real and absolute fear of the Zombie Apocalypse (as evidenced here and here).  Well the writer over at Geekologie has a similar fear, only his is about the Robot Holocaust, the "Rise of the Machines" if you will - you know that whole machines becoming self aware and then destroying us all only this time Michael Biehn isn't there to save your ass and impregnate you with the savior of the universe.

So on the Geekologie website you'll find several entries about smart robots and the fear of them becoming smarter, but woah boy was I not expecting this.

Yup.  Turns out that now we have to worry about zombies AND robots eating our flesh.

Click here to read all about how you taste like bacon according to the new "tasting robot."

EPIC SHUDDER   

Your Monday Reminder That Good Things DO Happen In This World

Meet Leo the doggy.  Leo the doggy's house caught on fire.  Leo's human family and their other doggy all ran out to safety, but Leo wouldn't budge.  Why?  He was protecting a litter of four newborn kittens.  (WHUMPT!).....  Oh man.  Sorry.  I passed out again.  It's just so cute and awesome.  I mean he wouldn't leave the house until the kittens were safe (WUMP!)....Dammit!  Okay anyway here is a little video of the brave little pooch, who was unconcious due to smoke inhalation when firefighters found him, but he's fine now.  Hooray Leo!  The kitten rescuing puppeh!  (WHUMPSLAM!)....ow...hit my head that time.  Here's the video.

You Just Never Know

Since I'm a temp, I never really know what kind of random assignments I'll be getting from day to day when I'm on call.  This morning, after devouring a delicious egg sammich and splendid cup of coffee, I was called by my recruiter and told to report immediatly to The Weinstein Company to fill in for their receptionist, who was out sick.

My day began alone as there was no one to fill me in on what the protocol was. It was just me, a Soul Men poster and a small package "from Whoopi" hanging out at the front desk.  This place is ridiculously disorganized.   After a steady twenty minutes of trying to figure it out on my own, the sick receptionist called to save the day.  I am now, after a couple of hours, sufficiently comfortable enough to have gotten myself a cup of coffee (it's horrid) after running around delivering mail to people using a handy dandy map (it's like a treasure hunt!!*) helping an intern find a garbage bag, unlocking a seriously high tech conference room and receiving a million and one pieces of mail and packages for one Mr. Harvey Weinstein.

Luckily there is a binder with loads of useful information, including the sentence, and I quote "if Harvey walks in, just smile at him but do not speak to him unless he speaks to you first."  ....what?  SERIOUSLY?!  GET OVER YOURSELF!  Wow.  I think if I see him I'll be sure to try to shove my headshot down his throat.

So just in case anyone has ever wondered what it's like to work for The Weinsteins, I can tell you this:  The office is horribly drab save for a few colorful movie posters, there is serious tense atmosphere and a bunch of young interns who seem to be scuttling around trying not to fuck up.  The "gates" at the front of the reception area weigh about a gazillion pounds each and my first duty was to open them and pull every muscle in my body.

Well, back to "work" which I assume means sitting here NOT saying "good morning" to Mr. Weinstein.

*No.  It isn't really.

Hell Hath No Fury Like an Avatar Scorned

I play online games.  With people.  Sometimes I have made "friends" with these people.  Depends on the object of the game really.  I have seen people get "married" on World of Warcraft, their loving guild watching on in the chapel as they walk down the aisle to pledge eternal digital love to each other.  I have seen the online, real life funeral of a Warcraft player get attacked (okay it's KIND OF messed up they did it, but I can't help it, it's hilarious.  Skip to 2:25 for the good stuff).  Well apparently...well I'll just let you read this.  Because this is hilarious.  Just downright silly and awesome.

Online divorcee jailed after killing virtual hubby

By MARI YAMAGUCHI, Associated Press

TOKYO: A 43-year-old Japanese woman whose sudden divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband's digital persona has been arrested on suspicion of hacking, police said Thursday.

The woman, who is jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.

The woman had not plotted any revenge in the real world, the official said.

She has not yet been formally charged, but if convicted could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in "Maple Story " raise and manipulate digital images called "avatars" that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities and fighting against monsters and other obstacles.

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead.

Nailin' Paylin!

Well folks.  It's time.  Nailin' Paylin, the parody porno about that fuckwad turdfaced useless dick bag (yeah I said it) Sarah Palin has finally been released.  Now, this is a family site so I can only post the first minute (also, I'm really not willing to pay whatever it is to see this piece of shart).  During this glorious first minute you have everything you expect to find in a quality porn - giant boobies smooshed into a cheap suit jacket, two relatively unattractive guys playing Russians with horrid accents, some well placed bad jokes, some seriously cheesy special effects and the Hustler stamp (to ensure quality).  Please do enjoy the first minute or so of Nailin' Paylin.

SHUT. UP.

 

OMG.  Geekologie posted a link to geeky video game jewelry from The Clay Collection.  There are plenty of sweet things like these:

     

Or for those fancy nights out you can have your very own gold shimmery pair of these:

 

The bottom line is, what geeky chick wouldn't want a pair of these?  I mean, since being a "nerd" is so in fashion now.  You know what with it being "cool" and the new "trendy" thing.  No no.  I mean I don't mind at all that as a child playing Mega Man, (my favorite music was from the Snake Man board - click to hear it!) text based MMORPGs, and watching The Tomorrow People, things were written about me in the communal reading books that I had to scratch out later through choked back tears.  No no.  You go ahead.  You call yourself a "nerd."  YOU'VE earned it.

...Where was I?  Oh yeah, kek.   

Period? Comma? Anyone?

They really should have had a news-person with experience do this.  Someone like Sarah Palin.

Thanks, Jamie.